How could I have know that it would start with just a “taste”, hardly noticeable, but yet noticed.
“I don’t know, I am not sure this is a good idea”. I spoke, in reality, to myself. No one else could hear me. The room was empty.
I had only seen this done. How does one know that you are doing it right, being sure not to injure yourself or cause any other harm.
I though; perhaps I should wait. Wait until I can get someone to instruct me on the proper technique. Surely there is a right and wrong way. Besides, you hear all the horror stories of over indulgence. But, I had always been able to grab hold of loose handles and repair the implement. This shouldn’t be that hard. Besides, it is just a “taste” – that’s all –just this once.
“You’re right. Remember when you were able to quit the smokeless tobacco- for fifteen years, then slipped back and had to quit again? This won’t be anything near as tough as that. You only paced the floors at night for six months. How could this be tougher than that to handle?” Where was that voice coming from?
The tightening of my arm was uncomforting. This was a new path. This was not something that, as a tow-head boy running loose in the woods of a rural Texas countryside, had “dreams” about when he grew up.
“Just do it. Are you going to write a story about it first?” I have got to find out where that voice is coming from.
“What I need, perhaps instead of this, is a cold bottle of water. I don’t know if I need it to drink or pour over my head.” Now I am talking out loud. I had the “cotton mouth”. That’s where you can’t spit or swallow and the roof of your mouth feels like grade school glue. This is stupid
They say that you can tell you are hooked on something if you wonder if you will be able to get your hands on you next fix even before your mind tells you that you need it. I will be able to tell-surely. There are hundreds of documented cases of addiction. Few, if any, are recovered.
Everyone does this, at least sometimes. Don’t they? Why am I fighting this so hard? It is not a big deal and I have read that it can give you all kinds of sensations and enjoyment. Can it?
I can feel my pulse quicken. I know that I have decided, or have I? Yes, I have, I think so.
Will I be able to put this Genie back in the bottle?
“Who care, just do it.”
OK, this is it. I need to get all these contradicting voices out of my head. I suppose I will know on the other side of these questions.
“OK, to heck with the risks Ok.”
“Then just DO IT – NOW”
With a deep breath, I held it inside until my ears were about to burst.
“I don’t know. I can stop this before I get started with this.”
“I said DO IT.”
I saw the target area. Eyes wide open so I could see what was going to start happen and then – I did it.
I DID IT