Thursday, July 21, 2011

"It's Right in Front of You"

It’s right There, In front of You
I am starting a new “series” of posts labeled “Right There in Front of You”.  I find that I sometimes go to great lengths looking for INTEREST.  Music, movies, travel, books or stories, all seem to have more intrigue if I have to go to some trouble discovering these adventures.  Anything that is at arm’s length doesn’t seem to get the first attention.  In fact, we as individuals are surrounded with interesting things.  I consider you folks interesting and “right here”.  All I have to do is punch a few buttons and you pop up.  That’s why I would like to share with you something a young lady in our writers’ guild   (East Texas Writers’ Guild) has written.  Rebecca (Becca) is a 16 year old who is already a terrific writer as well as an artist/illustrator.   At this time, she has no Blog Site so I will forward any “comments” (and I know you have some comments of encouragement you would like to share).  Thanks to each of you for taking the time to encourage this young writer.

                                Shoot On Sight
                                                      By: Rebecca Brown

Beneath the thick undergrowth I sit,deathly quiet as I await the arrival of what's left of my team. Clutching my gun––my only protection––I stare out into a seemingly empty field. I've been staring at it for some time but I know “they” are out there. They've tricked everyone else but I am not so naïve. They're out there, just waiting for me to show myself so they can take me out as well. I'll simply have to wait it out and stay here, concealed behind camouflage garments and green paint smeared across my face.
I wait and wait but no danger presents itself. I know that once I cross this field I will be safe, but if “they” are out there... I'll be lucky to make it half way.
The moments drag by as I wait for my team. Having not seen them in some time, I begin to worry. As the evening sun begins to set, I now notice shadows beginning to move in the undergrowth. I shiver as a rather large spider crawls down a nearby tree to examine me and a chill breeze pierces the warm air, chilling me to the bone. I need to get out of here. Where is my team? Have they been taken out like the others or have they found a safer way across the field? Did they go on without me? Oh, I wish I knew. If only I could get across that field.
The eerie screech of an owl and the sharp snap of a twig set my nerves even more on edge. The light of day is almost gone. I can't afford to wait any longer. I quickly scan the area. Nothing. Standing up slowly, I carefully step around the red and yellow leaves that litter the ground. Ever so quietly, I creep out into the field. Has all this work been for nothing? My team and I spent weeks readying ourselves for this. Now, this is the end. It is all up to me. 
I feel exposed out in the open field without the trees or thick bushes to hide me but still, I continue on. It is too late to turn back now. Catching a glint of light from within a group of nearby cedar trees, I break out onto a run. It must be “them”. Who else could it be? My pulse is racing. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as I make a run for it. I'm almost there. Almost safe...but almost isn't good enough. Three sharp pains suddenly hit me. One in my leg, and two in my chest.
I stop dead in my tracks and look down to see a crimson colored liquid staining my camouflage jacket. I've lost.
Looking back, I see the opposing team step out into the open as they congratulate each other. Shaking the team captain's hand, I set down my paintball gun and promptly ask for a rematch. I just know I'll get them next time.


  1. That was awesome! I was sure it was real combat. Definitely well written..tension well built!

  2. Great job! I had paintball in my mind from the beginning, as it would be the usual type of combat a sixteen-year old would be engaged in.

    Love the use of your senses - the sound of the twig, the chill of the breeze.

    Very well written...keep up the good work, Rebecca!

  3. Grabbed my interest from the first sentence and held it throughout. Wonderful descriptions. I felt the tension with him. I debated whether he should go or stay. Great job, Rebecca.

  4. Dear Rebecca,
    I thought it was paintball too...but loved how you captured the anxiety...No matter how much she knew she should stay hidden, worry and curiosity finally compel the character to stand up. From a writing perspective, my only suggestion is to watch unnecessary language like rather, seemingly and almost. You can remove those kinds of words and your sentences will still read well and flow better. You have done a terrific job on your imagery. Great writing!! I hope Glen is able to share more of it with us.

  5. You go girl! Very well written :) Nothing like tension and intrigue to keep us coming back for more.

  6. this was riveting. all i can say, rebecca, is keep on writing. if you're lucky enough to have discovered your bliss, then by all means follow it.

  7. If I could only write as well. Becca, you had me hooked from the first sentence. I look forward to reading more from you.

  8. This is wonderfully written. You caught my interest right from the start. I hope to read more of your writing soon. Thanks Glenn for sharing :)

  9. Glenn, thanks for sharing this young talent with us.
    Becca, this is a great piece! Bravo! More! More!

  10. we do overlook the obvious it's true..especially if it requires de-rusting..I love the generosity of sharing Rebecca's story with us all - it's a great piece and photo..clear as a shot of she going to set up a blog? Jae

  11. I was drawn into this combat scenario right from the beginning. I could feel the tension and fear of the young "soldier." Great surprise ending!

    I liked your very succinct Microfiction Muse, too...Mine also involves a cat.